The Desire to Protect

Sometimes as a mom I get overwhelmed by the neediness of the kids and just want time alone for awhile...to not have to respond and finish a whole chapter in a book, watch a movie uninterrupted, etc. But then when I get it, I'm thinking about them the whole time.

This Saturday I came down with a nasty stomach flu which was compounded by the uncomfortableness of being 26 weeks pregnant. I'll spare the details...but as I recovered all day Sunday, I tried to sequester myself in our bedroom to keep the kids from catching the bug (Russ had a worse version of it a few days prior). I could here them giggling in the other room playing during the morning and I missed them. When Russ would check in on me periodically, I'd see Kendall's little head pop around the door and say "Hi Mommy". I wanted to give her a big hug and kiss on her but was more concerned about protecting her so I'd smile back and blow her a kiss from my bed. We repeated this several times throughout the day.

The whole struggle with wanting to protect our kids from harm came up again this evening as I cuddled with Ethan at bedtime. This was a different form of protection than this weekend. Instead of keeping them from illness, this time it was about my son getting hurt emotionally. As we lay there in the dark, he said, "Mom, I have a tough decision to make tomorrow." I asked what the decision was and he said, "I want to sing in the talent show but I'm afraid of getting laughed at." Man..my heart just burst in that moment and that Momma Bear instinct to protect reared immediately. Ethan has been talking pretty much the entire school year about singing in the talent show and quite honestly I doubted he would follow through with it. This is my child that never liked to perform and be on stage, is very sensitive to others' reactions and whom I've never heard sing...not even to the radio. I know he's always loved music (since he was an infant) and shows signs of being musically inclined to playing an instrument but singing a solo on stage in front of his entire student body?? I seriously thought he would just change his mind and say he decided he didn't want to do it after all. But over the last few weeks he's stuck with the one song he wants to sing (Coldplay's "Paradise") and said he doesn't like to sing in front of family and friends but really big audiences don't make him nervous. So, I've gradually gotten a little nervous thinking about him and the big day. I'm so proud of him for even wanting to do it but yet I'm scared for him. I don't want him to get really scared the moment he hits the stage and run off in tears. And now that he's voicing similar concerns...Uggghhhh....I want to protect him from that possible pain but yet I also want to encourage him to conquer his fears.

Ethan is not one for lengthy conversations. He voices how he feels or asks his question and we have about 20 seconds to respond. So after he made this comment tonight, I said "Honey, I don't want your feelings to get hurt either. I understand how you are feeling because I was a very shy girl and didn't do a lot of things I wanted to do because I let fear stop me. I don't want you to be too afraid to try this and I'm proud of you no matter what you decide. And those who are your real friends, won't laugh or tease you, they will support you." Ethan said "Ok" and that was the end of it for tonight.

I'm anxious to see what he decides and if he does go through with it this Friday, I will have tears streaming down my face and praying the entire time that he will not be crushed emotionally by the experience.